Deep into February and whilst there is no doubt there…
Please ensure you are following club rules.
1. Women’s Club Captain Paul Hardy
2. Men’s Club Captain Caroline Hewitt
3. If you are unable to make the shop ride on a Saturday, please send a note to your club captain, or post a public apology.
4. Danny is always right.
5. If you are cold and wet, so is everyone else, so there is no need to point it out.
6. Club kit should be worn on shop rides, if you decide you are “too cool” for this rule, expect a fine.
7. Club kit is for members of the club, if you have club kit, join BC and assign your name to the club.
8. If you get dropped on a shop ride, embrace the opportunity to train hard so you don’t get dropped again.
9. If you don’t want to get dropped and are too lazy to train, pick the appropriate group. If you still get dropped refer back to rule 8.
10. Kilometres are for European riders, in this country we use miles. If you use kilometres it is possible you are french, which means traditionally you will likely be dropped.
11. White legs warmers are only acceptable with white shorts.
12. White shorts were deemed unacceptable in the UK after a crack incident with one of our riders who’s name cannot be mentioned. (he rides a black trek and his name rhymes with Barry).
13. Disc brakes are for mountain bikes and road riders that love to be ridiculed, its club policy to ensure they are.
14. If you ride with headphones you will be considered a commuter and you will be expected to stop, dismount and begin an 8 hour shift. You will be expected to complete the ride solo at the end of your shift. If you bring headphones, also bring lights, you will need them.
15. Time Trial socks are for time trials, if you wear them on a shop ride, you will be expected to sit at least 10 bike lengths behind the grownups.
16. Clip on tri bars are for mountain time trials only, there are no mountains in Northamptonshire.
17. Ride routes are always posted in advance, anyone getting lost will be DQ’ed. Entire ride groups that get lost, will be DQ’ed, fined and ridiculed as you should know better, especially if you are a club captain.
18. Robin shouts important information throughout the ride, it’s not just you, nobody else can hear a word he is saying either, but he’s a trier and that’s to be commended. He is also a judge and this should be feared.
19. Being called a chopper is not a badge a honour, it’s a derogatory term describing a range of things that you have managed to screw up, try to fix them and ensure someone else gets the title.
20. Corby is considered a war zone and is not covered under BC insurance, please avoid the area and check with the foreign office for the latest threat levels.
21. If your name is Jordan, it is mandatory to carry at least 3 spare inner tubes, a crank set and spare pedals.
22. If you stop for a drink after a shop ride and spend more time talking about coffee than the ride, you are a hipster and should immediately grow a beard and change your handlebars for straight bars.
23. Fixies are for the track and those who talk too much about coffee, see rule 22.
24. Mudguards are for people who don’t want to look like a classics hardman. Anyone caught trying to explain why mudguards are good will be sent to Danny to explain why looking like a hardman is uncool.
25. Make your excuses believable, if you are carrying some extra ballast, nobody will believe you bonked because you skipped breakfast.
26. Bike Cafes that don’t open on a weekend are not bike cafes and should be avoided.
27. “Cafes” that don’t sell homemade cakes should be considered a convenience shop or petrol station, you should probably just get a water and move on.
28. Phones that are mounted on your handlebars must be no larger than a garmin. This is of course a silly rule as all phones are bigger than a garmin, take the hint.
29. There is no answer to the question “why do you all wear padded shorts and not just have a padded saddle?”, do not try to answer, it’s a trap.
30. Zwift is a fantasy, just like a wet dream, the rest of us prefer not to hear about either.
31. Running is never the answer.
32. Snotting on a group ride is a like snogging in the cinema, if you insist on acting like a teen chav do it at the back where you don’t bother anyone else.
33. The answer to the question “is this table with the reserved sign on it reserved?” is always YES! It’s painful to watch as you question reality with a series of confused looks and shoulder shrugs, the table is reserved move along…
34. If you are from another club and join us for a ride then ensure you take an extra turn on the front to endear yourself to the rest of the group. Its good form and will help you reduce the ridicule for your inferior kit.
35. If you arrive at the shop on a Saturday, having travelled less than an hour and instantly require the toilet, you should consider seeing your doctor.
36. If you insist on riding a block of cheese as a bicycle please ensure it is in cheese colours ie. yellow. Please ask Jordan for advice if you are struggling.
37. It is mandatory that if you have lost all talent you must insist that you have pulled your hamstring, g-string, cheese string or similar.
38. James Woodfield must be dropped from G1 on 73% of all winter shop rides in order to retain his title as “Winter-Woody”.
39. Nobody cares how many British Cycling Race Points you have this season, how many shop races have you won?
40. Jamie Tuttle is a fraud of a 3rd category bike racer and should never be applauded for gaining points in any 3rd’s only or 3rd & 4th Category races.
41. Just because you’ve brought the kit, doesn’t mean you are Matt Bottrill.
42. Any concerns with the food/cake on any rides must be raised to VeloElite catering manager, Tom Scott-Collins.
43. If you live within a 10 mile radius of the shop and have driven to the shop ride … really? … really?
44. All conversations about aeroz should reference the godfather of drag, Fabos.